Thursday, April 21, 2011

premature wrinkling

Beyond the third baseline a line of amber traces the setting horizon.  Gen X mothers unwind from the fraught tension of watching their little leaguers, descending into prattle on the most recent sale at Talbot's or Nieman Marcus.  A precocious toddler fidgets with a pack of Virginia Slims.  And adjacent a near chainlink fence a well-coiffed gentleman in his mid-30s, in skinny jeans and a sportjacket, waits patiently for his 4th grade slugger to retire from the visiting team's dugout.  His son moves with the easy rhythm of a natural baseball player.  A calm torque, a lazy finesse.  Today's game was as good as any other.  An opposite field triple; a "good eye" at the plate, earning a walk after behind in the count.  Not to mention a line drive he snagged at 2nd base, indeed almost doubling up an ambitious baserunner.  Yes, today's was a swell game.

And so our fashionable father offered a ready hand parallel at his thigh, in excellent position to recieve a "low-five" from an excited youth athlete.

But alas, the father was left hanging.  A curious pause.  Always the thoughtful dad, he surfaced the full arc of possibilities "is a low-five not urban enough, should I have provided dap?" "is he teething and/or entering an angsty pubescent stage?" "is he still unhappy with his 1st inning strikeout?"

In time the young ballplayer responded, "Dad, I appreciate the gesture.  But I just applied a base coat of Dove hand lotion and I need to let it set.  I'm comfortable in my skin and don't want to suffer from premature wrinkling."


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

fop next door (Chhhris)


Welcome readers to another session of Fop Next Door.  We at Fop or Dandy are always looking to meet fellow fancybois - please recommend to us any fop (or dandy) friends !!  Today we met in the 4D spacetime of the interweb with a favorite pal and local fop celebre, Chhhris.

Hi Chhhris!

Welcome to F or D!  It is quite an honor to host a native New Yorker fancyboi. 

Tell me, what separates Manhattan fancy from the rest of the US?  Delivery. 

Do you view the rest of America as poseur or as kin fop brothers sharing your dream of a fancy communion?  The rest of America is watching TV while we're watching fancy.

Were you born fancy or was it an evolution into fancy?  Revolution.

What are 3 "must-haves" that any fop should have in their wardrobe?  Kit, tony, and burled walnut.

If fop was a rap song what song would it be and why?  "Ivory Toast & Gold" by the Burled Walnut.


What are your playoff predictions for the Knicks?  Yes!

In 5 words predict Summer 2011.  1) Summershine, 2) summertime, 3) summercity, 4) Coney Island hot dogs and Bud Light Lime, 5) minimum SPF 30, 6) Peaches.

OK Think Fast!!
Ceiling fans:  F or D? F
The Kareem Abdul-Jabbar "sky hook" shot? D
Sporks? A
Bear Grylls? Please advise.
Hello Kitty? C
Kettle chips? D


Thanks Chhhris!  Also check out his rap track below, produced by none other than fop icon and fashion muse for we gentlemen-authors, Mr. Darwin Deez!  It's sure to be a summer jam skeeyurpppp

Monday, April 18, 2011

me and the guys at the grocery store who may or may not be fop

Me and the guy mouthing the words to Queen Latifah's "U-N-I-T-Y" while shopping for produce.

Me and the guy wearing a bolo tie in aisle 4 asking a female inventory clerk where the promise rings are located.

Me and the guy I mentor in an after-school program buying Flintstones vitamins and telling a woman in flats and a modish one-piece that I'm his non-biological "Uncle Carl" and love children, dogs, my 401K and would like to buy her lunch at The Cheesecake Factory.

Me and the guy in frozen foods playing "Marco Polo" with the store manager over walkie-talkie.

Me and the guy in a Tommy Hilfiger shirt practicing his golf swing while waiting in the express checkout line.

DJ Pauly D



This cut of fancy may not run the mama's boy game of Vinny but can still clean grenade shrapnel quicker than a Red Cross wet nurse.   When not chlorinating ur girl's jacuzzi he is getting his hair did.  A Providence native, it is rumored the spraypainted fescue sod on top of his forehead was the creation of a local RISD art student recovering from a ketamine trip.  Still we at F or D give Pauly props for owning the look and perhaps even giving it an endearing charm.  Indeed he pulled off the seemingly impossible task of making New Jersey fop!!  Few would associate the garden state with the scent of couture.  For more people this state is redolent of industrial sewage, toll roads, baby tees, Britney Spears' follow-up single "Sometimes" from her ...Baby One More Time LP, Taco Bell Beef Meximelts, pronouncing Target (TM) retail department stores with an affected French accent, the re-branding of the Bravo cable network, going to Taco Bell and asking for tap water and then pouring lemon-lime soft drink into your cup at the fountain machine, diner food, jean shorts and/or jorts, blowing into og NES Nintendo cartridges when the graphics are distorted, eating clubs, drinking cough syrup and waiting a half hour after lunch to settle ur stomach before lounging in ur MTV summer share hot tub.  Yes, Pauly D deserves our compliments and gratitude.  You can't spell gentleman without GTL we congratulate u sir may u feel like $100 on this special day.

Final verdict:  1 1/2 star fop

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Fop Next Door (Zeke)

 Hi readers!  Welcome to our new feature Fop Next Door in which we profile real-life fops.  For our inaugural entry we were lucky enough to interview Zeke, an inspirational and close friend of we gentleman-authors.  We hope you find his blue skies attitude and genuine fancy to be as contagious as we do!

Hi Zeke!  Thank you for visiting us at F or D!  Maybe you could describe your usual weekday.
Sure. I don't like to get out of bed before 10 am, I eat as much fruit and ice cream as I can and I like to exercise every day. The best is when I can swim outdoors or go dancing.

Very Wunderbar.  How important do you think it is for a young fancyboi to develop their own personal style?
Some people think style is a luxury, but I think it's inevitable. You're going to have to wear pants and shoes most days, so which ones do you choose? Even more important, most days you're going to have to talk to other people. That's the most definitive style. Are you kind to them? Do you value your own time and theirs? People will probably see that before they see your shoes.

How does fop affect your interpersonal relationships?  Are most of your friends fancy?  Do you make non-fancy friends because they're non-fancy or inspite of it?
It's hard to help liking good-looking people. But I also think that your personality makes you good-looking or not. Your face and body grow into the expressions and movements you make with them. My good friend Sam taught me that.

Can you list some fop role models?
Howard Roark, Adrien Brody, John Lennon, Prince Andrei Bolkonsky

As you know Zeke I'm been pleased to witness your delightful transition from a Himalayan Long-Hair to an Abyssinian Short-Hair fop.  How relevant is hair-length to fancyness?
Long hair is like neon shirts - some people can totally wear that, and it's easy to tell who they are.

 What are your impressions of dandies?  Do you welcome all fancybois or could you do without the so-called "dandy invasion"?
Style is how you are, and that's inseparable from who you are. So dandy is like when you paint your sailboat before making sure it's seaworthy. A real fop would rather have a natural wooden sailboat that's made from the best hardware.

OK think fast!
Oakley Sunglasses - Fop or Dandy? Dandy
Cuff links? Fop
Ribbed condoms? Dandy
JFK Jr? Fop, but close.
Cocoa butter SPF 15? Dandy
Cafe au lait? Dandy, but try me.
John Boehner? I hate that dude, but fop.

Barbara Walters


O to be a lady fop.  The meditative ritual of one's morning ablutions, of setting one's curling iron of putting on a delicate singsong sundress one leg at a time how wunderbar it must be to read DH Lawrence as a young debutante knowing that those feelings u own are somehow both special and universal. 

Sure the word fop may not be a traditional lexicon for a lady.  But then again if Ini Kamoze's 90s hit "Here Comes the Hotstepper" is a construct, eating Pizza Hut stuffed crust while watching 7th Heaven or fibbing to ur friends about how u dont wear orthodontic headgear at night is a construct then i dont see why calling Barbara Walters a lady cant be a construct also.  I mean after all she did attend Sarah Lawrence.  O to attend a mixer with West Point gentlemen to refine one's political acumen yes BabaWawa u and ur liberal fancy have been a living document of our modern historical narrative.  What kind of pillow talk she's been privy to if those linens could talk I'd maybe have enough gossip to match Perez Hilton's daily caloric intake or create a late-nite PBS documentary special capable of keeping the rapt attention of pre-teen males hoping for a scent of nipple teach me Miss Walters teach me ur elegant touch.

Final Verdict:  2 star lady fop

Fonzworth Bentley



How awful it is listen ad nauseum to consecutive 7th graders announce aloud that they will be marine biologists when they grow up!  To retrieve stray golf balls from a whale's blowhole, to milk hand-over-hand the udder of sea cow.  Only a middle schooler of juvenile sensibility would consider such an artless occupation to be life's goal.  No no no I always knew that to do things was a chore meant for the proletarian but instead the highest calling the most profound profession is to be paid to merely be.  Thus in opposition to those cranky social commentators who lament Paris Hilton and her ilk under the cliche of "famous for being famous" we at F or D speak out speak with effusive delight for the fabulous who make bank on their fancy esprit.

Consider Fonzworth Bentley.  This icon transcends the limits of "hip hop fop" bringing fop aesthetic to the masses.  Whether chauffering P Diddy, writing etiquette books or frolicing w music video girls, this Atlanta native stays bankrolled and moneyclipped for simply being on his front-rank swagger game.  Indeed our dear sir Freud should contend that at least subconsciously the fact this fancyboi studied in an adjacent ATL zip code must have cast some long and luscious shadow over my own education.  Why I always faced South when reading Voltaire/using product in my hair/applying Nair.  It must have been some magnetic supernatural intuition that a fancygod was mere miles away.  We hope to see u good sir rooting on the Hawks in tonite's Game 1 v the Orlando Magic!

Final Verdict:  4 star fop

Friday, April 15, 2011

Dandy Next Door (Clint)


Hi readers!  Welcome to our new feature Dandy Next Door in which we profile real-life dandies.  In this dandy counterpoint we hope to get a sense for what motivates this brand of fancyboi - what they do for fun, how they address a lady i.e. how they curtsey, if they know what happened to Whitley from A Different World.  For our inaugural entry we were lucky enough to interview Clint, a dear longtime friend of we gentleman-authors. 

Hi Clint!  Thanks for dropping by at F or D.  Maybe you can give us a brief glimpse of your dandy lifestyle. 

Would you say you are a typical dandy?  Indeed are there a variety of dandies?  What are some mysteries or misconceptions about dandies that you hope to clarify for our readers?


How do women respond to your sort of fancy?  How does West Coast fancy compare to East Coast fancy?

Hi Carl.
It's a pleasure to stop by Fop or Dandy.               
to answer some of your questions:
a fop is fay and lounging.
a dandy is masculine with accessories.
my fancy is unexpectedly charming.
versace wear, moschino on my bitches.
West Coast fancy is always cas.

Ok Think Fast Rorschach "Ink Blot" Style!

Rick Ross:  Fop or dandy?  Original Dandy.
Butterfly nets?  Fop.
Sock garters?  Dandy.
Primary parental relationship with father?  Dandy.
Primary parental relationship with mother?  Fop.
Owning a purebred airedale?  Inconclusive.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

meditation on a 5 star fop

Assumption:  Some years ago a relevant pedant decided to call our world "post-modern."  Dandy academics have since consented to what they recognize as a commodification of emotion and a meta-inversion of our more teutonic instincts.  Thus our own fancy is remote from Oscar Wilde and his hagiography of the 5 star fop in The Picture of Dorian Gray (i.e. the archetype fop).

Thesis:  Today's society lacks the requisite environment to nurture this sort of archetype fop.

Anti-Thesis/Dialectic:  The fop rejects the rubric of sociology.  Instead he intuits a cosmic lineage outside the realm of normative existence.  With this in mind we at of F or D hope in earnest faith that the 5 star fop walks among us.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Trebek shoutout

Per a reader tip it seems that good sir Alex Trebek is one of the hundreds of true patriots caught up in the F or D contagion that is sweeping America!  Last night Alex mentioned our couture in an enlightening question.  But Mr Trebek please improve ur reading comprehension!  Dandies are not a kind of fop but an oppositional fancyboi!!  Still we appreciate the shoutout and wish u good luck.  Check out the clip below at the 1min03sec mark.


bidets




Oui oui I do s'il vous plait wish that I could be a little prince in old republic France.  RSVP my seat in the grande ecole, where I could study (if u may pardon my french) the art of the french kiss the science of Madam Curie o the kinds of chemistry she might have inspired between a yipped Charlie Sheen and a lady of the burlesque.  An education in life and love, in vin and win-ning.  O how darling it must have been to drink bottles of purest evian of purest perrier that is the liquid joy Freud must have intuited when he referred to the ecstatic "oceanic spirit" that guides our souls to climb into the unknown to climb back into the womb!

But yes but indeed the clean finish of water need not only be a luscious drink but can be a sensual waterfall of hygeine for a fop in the little fancyboi's room.  To excuse oneself from a meal of escargot and French fries and use a bidet!!  That is the highest form of luxury.  L'eau de toilette monsieur.  And thus we at F or D announce our own political platform - not that icky FDR promise of a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage but a more refined call for baked brie in every school cafeteria and a bidet in every bathroom!

Final Verdict:  le fop superieur

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Alex P. Keaton



What a spectacle it is to parade as a little gentleman!  To pray cross-legged in ur knickers to look both ways before helping cross your best ma'am to the other side of the cul de sac.  What motivates this curious species of 2nd grader to practice his manners during recess or draft a dowry when trading a Topps Tony Gwynn baseball card with a tomboy peer?  For certain a question with no answer but at least that good sir Alex Keaton provided a model, provided a template for this sort of boy we all remember all too well from grammar school.

A seminal fancyboi this petite dejeuner spoke for a generation of Reaganomic-warriors and fops-in-training on the hit sitcom "Family Ties".  If I had one wish I would ask Master Alex what he kept in that O_oo so perfect briefcase was it a briefcase inside a briefcase was it a hologram Carlton Banks drinking a sip cup of Sunny D orange drink was it retinal damage?   Let the market decide might his hero Milton Friedman declare.   And thus the crux of this paradox:  Supply of star neocon stud:  mere 1 Alex P Keaton; Demand:  the infinite love pulse of America's soccer-moms

Final verdict:  3 star fop

glimpse of a fop's heart

How variegated and complex the fop is!  As Tolstoy said, the blase are all alike in their same tedious, dull way, but each fop is fancy like a unique snowflake.  Yes, even we gentlemen-authors at F or D all tend distinct tastes in fashion.  For example, our Drake Laybeck is simple elegance personified, the all-American lax jock with a soul of fop.  We wish Drake good luck in employing this dating advice from "Ask a Lady"!! (see link below)

  http://thehairpin.com/2011/02/picking-up-artsy-girls-shaving-mystification-and-am-i-a-jealous-jerk


(also see his latest ballad)
http://professormegaslam.bandcamp.com/track/for-all-the-single-ladies

Monday, April 11, 2011

croquet

(Image of Fops' Sundry Best Girls)


O to live the titanic life of a croquet mallet!  To send ball to and fro with the directed tumult of Heaven's force, bounding the possibilities of your opponent's next go with thunder and awe.  O to tend the potential energy of a ball, knowing that in an instant ur kinetic rage will run its course thru manicured lines of green verdant grass.  Or to be the guiding symbol of a hoop, funneling players to that beacon center peg!

Yes a fancyboi will cite any excuse to wear his best whites.  Who doesn't know a secular humanist or lapsed jew who found the spiritual gusto to don a pearl white suit with cream oxford shoes to Easter Sunday!  But when a fancyboi spends a lazy afternoon whipping balls in the back lawn of a friend's vacation home, kissing on his best girl with mint julep breath and accidently tucking his shirt directly under the elastic lining of his briefs.  Well that is pure fop.  Here goes a run-the-hoop ... Fore!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

re tandem bike ride with Slash


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cb50eNYL1DY&feature=related

(the talented) Mr. Ripley



Matt Damon delivers an o so compelling performance in this intelligent thriller but is this fancyboi, this Mr. Ripley someone that readers should admire as prototype?  I mean look at him in a smart pair of lime-chartreuse swim trunks (US $30) posing in front of a canvas beach umbrella ($200) and wearing with casual fierceness a windswept swoop haircut across his forehead (priceless).  A classic beach look indeed!  But a touchstone of the fop is that his look is genuine and consonant with his inner esprit.  Not some affected costume he parades around like a husky kindergartener dressed as a jackolantern on Halloween.  No Mr Ripley is not pure fancy but an evil foil who mimics our primo Princetonian expat Dickie Greenleaf (Jude Law) as part of a sexual quest to lure him from Marge (Gwen Paltrow).  There shall be no dandies in my nostalgia of the 1950s Italian Riviera!

Final verdict and relevant haiku:

With x-ray vision
Marge undoes ur belt and sees
Eww Gross!  Dandy pants.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

meditation on dandy food couture

Assumption:  There exists individuals whose preferences conform to a dandy phenotype.  As social actors, they use money to purchase sustenance.  To the extent that money is value-neutral I may take the dandy's coin and profit from their wayward patterns of consumption.

Thesis:  I will borrow my mother's muffin baking pan.  I will pour strudel batter and chocolate syrup into these moldings.  10 minutes later I will remove this fluffy treat out of my Easy-Bake Oven and pile mountains of sprinkles and frosting onto them.  I shall call my uninspired invention a "cupcake."  The bank will loan me money to rent a modest street-level space in SoHo.  I will sell my cupcakes at five times the price of a doughnut.   Dandies will flock to my store after their cotillions and etc.  With my new wealth I should learn to walk like a rich person.

George Washington




Ok realtalk.  This is history right here this is realtalk this is dedicated to all the munchkins playing tiddly winks to all my Raffy dudes listening to Raffy this is for the big kahuna of capture-the-flag this is dedicated to Lambchops Sing Along singing at the top of their lungs singingforeversingingreallyloud this is dedicated to Nickelodean Jr to my David the Gnome ppl to my Maya the Bee type ish to Jenny Jones when mom is on her morning ablutions this is for all my ppl in 2nd grade in the struggle pledging allegiance   leggo'ing my eggo waffle this is for my ppl singing the National Anthem like Raffy taught em to sing u know me u know me im ur dude im Carl Winslow u see me on the television I'm down with Laura I got Steve and Stefan on speeddial u know me u can trust me.  Ok this is realtalk u follow?

Ok sit down for this i need to tell u something k?  So like,  like u know George Washington, that guy who parted the Red Sea who lived in a fort who invented the 1 dollar bill.  That man, that man George Washington wore a wig.  That man's hair was not made of plethoric wavy locks of silver-white foppish beauty but powdered with the dandy sentiment of a glitter stick.  That man might as well worn glitter in his hair. 

Final Verdict:  2 glitter sticks on scale of 1 to dandy

Summer of Dandies

Dandy invasion! See there! A dandy reading Infinite Jest, smoking, and sipping his black Peet's. Over there! A mustachioed dandy scribbling in his Moleskin with fierce intensity. Hark! A dandy lady, dressed in gramma's linens, carrying gramma's purse. Where are you heading, pretty girl, with such immense haste? To get another bird tattoo? Yes! Haste, intensity, now! But look, over there. A group of dandies mount their single speed bicycles, lifting their rides with such power--light as a feather, light as a feather--elegantly swinging their legs over the handle bars. What a show! Dandy invasion!

Lil B



Our inaugural "hiphop fop" this fancyboi embraces grandma's clip-on earrings and rocks a hogwartz cardigan sweater in the cipher.  Indeed an eternal boi wonder watching a Lil B video is like reading the verse of an epic greek poem, the dionysian east bay thugdood in existential inner turmoil with the appolonian indie backpacker.  in conclusion, tiny pants tiny pants tiny pants!

Tentative verdict:  fop-in-training

(historical re-enactment of Lil B asking best girl to go steady)
Lil B:  hey u looking good looking like u wanna make a toaster strudel for me
best girl:  o me?
Lil B:  mmhmm i have a special feeling a secret i wanna tell u about.  i wanna tell u u've been my best girl since pluto was a planet since george washington invented the 1 dollar bill since sartre had cross eyes since i wore these tiny pants since they got the new mom on fresh prince  i crush on u like Hannah Arendt crushed on Heidegger like Ninja Turtles on Pizza its Big Apple 3am
best girl:  (^o^)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Joe the Plumber




Never has a blue collar been so fancy!  This boi adds a hint of cerulean to his workshirt and a panorama of blue skies optimism to all our days.  O to live the aquamarine life of a plumber moving swimmingly working w finesse w profound instinctual know-how managing the labyrinthine piping of an Ohio split level ranch house.  What young lady wouldnt want to see this gentlemen's coiffed plummage!  Just 50$/hr labor ma'am plus parts and danger pay and he's all yours.

But this fop has street smarts and book smarts!  Watch him ask the tough questions to John McCain watch him schmooze with Sarah Palin.  If Mr. Clean and Michelle Bachman played 7 minutes in Heaven 9 months later this weirdly beautiful troll man would manifest from the moldy dew of ur basement closet... U are a lady's Joe 6-Pack fantasies made real    o_oo how an idea comes to fruition to mold a vision into Plato's purest reality that is quintessential fop.  Golden days good sir and we look forward to u next election cycle!

Final Verdict:  2 star fop

Thursday, April 7, 2011

fine dining

"Dorsia? How impressive!"

Culture critics falsely categorize Patrick Bateman as example of gen X foppishness. His cohorts parade about town, one-upping each other via dinner reservations. Foolishly equating a 28+ Zagat rating for excellence, the dandy's palate is not naturally refined. They value aesthetic presentation and waiter skinniness in the dining experience; concerns of the effete. Preparation should only maximize taste. Food can be great art, but the fop strives for ultimate visceral pleasure. This author also recommends consistency in restaurants.

Where everyone knows your name.

Where the bartender knows the gin-vermouth balance your gumar prefers in her Manhattan.

Where they do not accept credit card. Need not look at the menu.

Welcome back, Mr. Laybeck. The usual?

Why of course, Wolfgang.

The astute reader of course knows my recommendation - Peter Luger Steakhouse.





Kobe Bryant



Cheers to J Chng for our first reader-recommended entry (see og entry)!!  Yes u too faithful reader may help shape the thematic compass of F or D by writing us useful comments.  I need to state first things first - I once heard a rumor that a friend-of-a-friend's older sister turned down Kobe when he asked her to go to Lower Merion High School Prom.  Now maybe it's just the gentleman-authors of this blog but I've never heard of a fop (4 star or otherwise, yes even fop-in-training) to be rejected when asking a gentlelady to a ball, especially one's high school prom!  I ask myself a looping refrain of questions - Kobe did u remember to curtsey?  Did you bring a handsome ring to suggest u wanted to go steady with her?  Did u even refer to her as ur best girl ??!?

So far all directions point to dandy.  Sure u look great look absolutely wunderbar for ur age u ageless basketball megastar but to be honest I can't really sign on to this whole "my body is a temple" lifestyle.  I mean I'm not even Jewish and u want me to go to a temple!!  Why don't u go back to Italy w the rest of those proselytisers!  O yea and try winning a ring without a dominant big man and no one cares about ur Kobe Bryant-length hair.  U've been deemed dandy Mr Bryant !!

Jesper Parnevik


How precious it must be to shop with this viking wonder!  Mush Mush Mush just picture this specimen slushing quick thru the Swedish Arctic Lapland, driving his dogsled hi-ho hi-ho keeping the pace keeping the huskies in synch to the golden harmonies of an ABBA single.  Fashionable and fit, Jesper brings a sense of whimsy and the avant-garde to the golf course.  He is rumored to have even changed outfits midway during a round!  Yes he is a true tour de force on the PGA.  But the question remains:  fop or dandy?  Flipped-bill of the cap sir?  Check.  Pastel disco pants sir?  Check.  An estimable je ne sais quoi and affirmation of life's boundless dimension sir?  Checkmate!! 

Indeed without doubt this man is 4 star fop.   Yes good sir u are proof that the communal pathos of democratic socialism may still produce individual zest may still produce individual brilliance.  See you on the 19th hole!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Meditation on the Unknown Will of a Dandy.

Meditation on the Unknown Will of a Dandy.

In an age of relaxed attitudes toward the everyday Dandyman or Foppish Tom, we must stop now and again to relate on the co-existence of many sub-species of homo erectus. The will of a dandy is without question dialectical. The dandy concedes his fate to powers greater then himself, and relents to his Inner Spiritual Dandy. To elaborate further, dandic impulses of one type or another tug on the mind of the dandy like so many spokes of a hub spun into a globe, so that each impulse radiates outward like light from a point source, and so that the final vector addition of danda computes into a singular dandum of a given direction and magnitude. The dandy is complex, but not quite so. His life is simple in that the principle is to be and live as a dandy.




Drake's Fop Rule #1: Always Accept a Gift

Hypothetical Situation: A boi reaches a professional accomplishment - let's say a new tax bracket. With this, he achieves a fop milestone of independent wealth, one step closer to categorization as Young Man (YM). Let me be clear; your author does not celebrate overindulgence. Decadence is the single most important indicator of dandy behavior ("decadent dandy"). The fop knows that elegance is simplicity. Now our boi's father decides well wouldn't it be nice to treat my son to an elegant suit. Boi worries that acceptance of this gift may contradict the fop milestone, or even set him back.

Question: Does acceptance of this gift partially negate the growth into YM?

Answer: No. The fop remembers to always accept a gift under proper circumstances. The giver who gives not out of obligation but compassion deserves to realize the happiness and gratitude relative to utility of gift. Not to mention refusing this offer may offend the sensibilities of our boi's maker. As long as no dandy behavior is expected in return for a gift, it must be accepted.






Stefan Urquelle


O to live in Weimar Germany.  To be at the apex of couture when our Freudian instincts were most potent were most wunderbar.  Liberated from feudal empire but still close to that Viennese bourgeois in geography and attitude, when the id and ego tangoed with the marvelous violence of a latin dance!

Today these sorts of sensual passions rarely play out in our collective psychology.  How could it when our media presents life in the monochromatic typecast of the uniform, singular personality.  To be neurotic like Ross, to be sarcastic like Chandler, to be a dolt like Joey.  After all, the occasional sitcom viewer requires some element of stability in their characters.  Not so Steve Urkel!!  This creation of Jaleel White is of trans-historical merit.  His quotable catchphrases and highwater pants, his fluency in the scientific method and loyalty to Laura.  But what is more - his remarkable alter ego in Stefan Urquelle!!  How he tended that Freudian conflict!  What joie de vivre it takes to will to power a Roman narcissism and smooth-talking silvertongue.  This gentleman is a fop by any measure.  We salute u good sir as we ask that eternal question "got any froommmaaggge?"

(click link below to check out related electro-pop jam from contributor Drake Laybeck/Prof Megaslam)
http://professormegaslam.bandcamp.com/track/walking-disaster-scientific-genius

Renaissance Fairs


wait i thought we were gonna go to South of the Border i thought we were gonna go to the New Jersey Pinebarrens i thought u said we were gonna get faded and watch cartoon network on mute and put on my on favorite Madlib album why does that man have a lute why are u giving me a turkey leg why is that buxom woman speaking ye old english why am i here i thought u said we were gonna go to Chipotle and order the one in the bowl and get a side of guac i thought u said we were gonna go to the Off-Track Betting i mean why am i writing this discursive meta sprawl o rite bc renaissance fairs are dandy its like the sun u cant stare at it u cant look directly at it u can only circumlocute ok ill throw the axe at the bulls' eye k sure whatever ill watch the joust can we go to the Pinebarrens next wk tho?

Vampire Weekend



So divisive these fancybois are!!  Having brought fancy couture to the mainstream it is obv that some may "hate" on these boys for making a niche aesthetic universal and commercial.  So postmodern so ivy league so nonchalant so girl-hungry so adorable so self-aware so dapper so fastidious so remote so pretentious so punk so anti-punk such a contradiction.  Boys born in the ethos of the fringe experimental "world music" Sandanista album of The Clash and matured in the haunts of Columbia.  At the outset I should state my biases - I am currently a student at their alma mater.  Eating endless bowls of lentil soup at Barnard cafeteria, attending varsity volleyball matches, cycling reading rooms at Butler Library - I can't help but to get nostalgic that my own fancy is also tracing the foppish footsteps these boys imprinted several years ago.  Ezra, did u also wear a summer scarf when checking out Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus from the circulation desk?  Did u also use the word "trope" when hitting on ur number one waitress at The Hungarian?  Tapping into this mythology of fancy clouds one's objectivity but yes but yes indeed I stand above this spectral grey on the Olympian heights of the fancy Pantheon.

Yes, here on my fop pedestal I may look down and recognize my own kind.  And yes Vampire Weekend u are true fops.  Yes u may be douchey and yes it may be a pose but u have transcended it with the Hegelian metaphysics of an even more beautiful, more dynamic logic.  Cheers to u sirs cheers to u foppish wonders.

Crystal Light


Can a boy of any body type be a fop?  Well of course young sir!  But does it help if a boy is svelte and supple?  Well of course do u expect me to traipse around town in elastic-waist denim pants I think not!  But still - at what point do diet foods pass that ineffable threshold from fop to dandy?  At what point does the foppish flavor of a wholesome Lean Pocket or Dannon Light&Fit give way to the dandy ambition of a Tab soft drink??  Ambiguity makes life colorful and compelling.  But artificial color is not color but a feint for someone who likes to wear outfits or watch their "stories" on daytime network TV.  Pouring low-calorie Crystal Light mix into a tall glass of tap water is not aesthetic but rather the mundane chemistry of a dandy in need of a quasi-sugar fix.  It is an 8 on a scale of dandy to euler's number.

I see u bro making red drink out of your mom's cabinet.  I see u bro drinking red drink at the Owl City concert.  I see u bro at the grocery store buying red drink and a box of sanitary wipes telling the cashier they're for ur best girl but I don't buy it bro we're not bros anymore ur not invited to my house ur not welcome to play Tecmo Super Bowl at my mom's house.

Calisthenics


I won't even validate such a suggestion with analysis!  Historians note that Spartan warriors (the purest of boys) practiced calisthenics to both increase agility as well as cultivate a communitarian spirit - 'nuff said Obv fop.   Imagine a phalanx of sunkissed Grecian men moving stretching squatting lunging in unison.  Absolut wunderbar.  Those halcyon days of The Golden Age when to be a boy meant to be fop and the word dandy had not yet entered the Indo-European lexicon.  A world apart and a world we hope for.  Until then let us to do calf-raises in the easy comfort of our homes, in tempo with the pulsating beat of Gloria Estefan's Miami Sound Machine.

Toaster Strudel


O to be a strudel.  To be born in the crepuscular shadow of dawn.  Bakers marching in their baker hats, without care, unfettered by the 9-5 bureaucratic doldrums of our routinized society.  Awake with mother birds and father rooster, awake with the constellations.  O to make Entenmann's in a hidden corner of the Bavarian woods!  Knowing that your decadent yet reasonably-priced pastries makes even the most staid and snobby of women release zephyrs of love pheromones, that it makes them moist with the soft glow of having tasted this rich batter.  Marching to and fro oven, displaying lines of goodies in the luxurious arithmetic of "the baker's dozen."  The true literati invents their words just as the true chef invents their numbers.  Everyone else is mere dilletentes.   Here you stand, with your 13 strudels, 13 strudels on the edge of society's precipice, overlooking your hungry flock with the transcendental stillness of a visionary.

Treats are what make life grand.  And yes Toaster Strudel has captured this taste of Bavaria and transported it to your local toaster oven.  But is it too decadent?  Is it simply too much to allow an 8th grade smart-aleck sk8er to make a strudel his personal canvas?  To give him a pack of icing to unfurl on this luscious, flaky bread?  To allow him the experience of the pastry chef, the paradigm of "food presenter," at this very inexperienced age?  No it is not too decadent but merely fop!  We applaud you Toaster Strudel for bringing the mythical, hi-ho hi-ho rhythm of the German strudelmaster to American homes!!  You are a meal fine enough for Tom Wolfe.

Uncle Jesse



A fancyboi since my youth, I've long been inspired to tap into disparate elements of couture and mold something beautiful and novel.  Something deserving of the word synergy.  The tenuous dialectic of the feminine and the masculine, the complex beauty of wearing Kareem Abdul-Jabar-inspired goggles in a 2nd grade rec basketball game.  Or using product on my hair at the precocious age of 10, to style my patented "flipwave" doo in the mold of Zack Morris.   O Zack!  A gentleman of color, a gentleman of diverse talent and foray.  I applaud u sir.  And so yes, yes even at the precocious age of 10 I knew that he was unlike other fancybois  - he was a fancyboi that I could admit in the dark, nadir moments of a slumberparty to having looked up to.  "Yes, I watch Saved by the Bell" I would admit aloud in the safe confines of a friend's basement.  "Me too!" a cracked voice cutting swath of silence and snore "Me too and I also own an Ace of Base cassette tape."

Yes Zack Morris is pure fop.  A charismatic leader in Weber's archetype.  Debonair and entrepreneur.  A true role model ... But Uncle Jesse?!???  What is this fancyboi?  Can I even admit to watching Full House at a sleepover after shotgunning Jolt Cola and eating handfuls of ice cream cake, let alone actually liking Uncle Jesse?  He smells redolent of the poser odor typical of dandies.  His band merely a front to collect bevies of unassuming women.  His prodigious mounds of hair mousse.  And most obv using the Tanner girls as pickup material.  He is the most contrived of all fancybois - the outward badboy with a heart of gold, o_oo girl lemme tell u about my real self he remarks during pillow talk, let me tell u this.  Yes his fancy is a posture, not a display of his visceral will.  You have been deemed dandy Uncle Jesse u milquetoast !!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Fop or Dandy?

Triple cream cheese- dandy
Justin Bieber's bieber- fop
Belle & Sebastan - dandy
Kanye- dandy
Darwin Deez- fop
Morocco- dandy
Turkey- fop
cologne- fop
hand lotion- fop
eye-liner- fop
hats- dandy
pink-dandy
purple- fop
eggplant - dandy
tofu- dandy
ragu- fop

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Fop or Dandy? First Principles, Phenotypes and Definitional Compass

(image of archetype fop Dorian Gray)


Welcome readers!! With this blog I hope to catalog and rarefy our nation's topical discourse on all things fancyboi. Once tossed to the gutter of cultural memory, left for history in the delicious biographies of Oscar Wilde or Frederick of Prussia, the fancyboi has once again become zeitgeisty and fashionable. But unhappily the fancyboi is not a uniform substance!! On one side the Fop transits in a world of blithe fun and decadent trimmings. O to wear seersucker on a dingy boat O_oo to wear a lovely sailor hat with your best girl. The fop is authentic and grand, he is a boy with esprit and passion. Top of the morning to you sir!! However his antagonist the Dandy suffers from two fatal flaws - he both lacks sincerity in his sensibility and he tries too hard to make up for it. His bowtie is forced and deliberate. His parasol impure and superfluous. O how you give fanciboys a bad name u gutless wonder!!

And so a compass for this blog. It is part of human nature to rank, categorize and produce hierarchy. Here I encourage readers to send requests of those instances du notre monde that are ambigously fancy. Eg. "Is Coke Zero dandy?" or "What is the most foppish Hudson Valley village?" "do Dandys go to Heaven?" These are all important questions that I look forward to reducing to a simple fop/non-fop binary. Enjoy!